Slipping away...

Everything is changing in such a short time. The seating arrangement has changed, the time we use to chat has been reduced, and most of all, he has changed. He became such a hyper person all in a sudden and I just couldn't keep up with his pace. Plus now the seating arrangement has changed, I no longer sit beside him and therefore, the probability of us chatting in class is approximately zero. I really felt that it was the god's sign for me to get over him.

In addition, his tweets... it was all about her... He was describing how he missed her... how he wanted their relationship to be normal again... and it was such a horrible feeling to read that. And he is not updating me anything so I will not know about his feelings towards her anymore, but at least I know he will not talk to me anymore... I guess...

Maybe it's true that god really exist and controlling us humans' fate. I guess I must have done something wrong and made Him angry so now he is punishing me by ending my relationship with him. Come to think about it, I did not chat on msn with him for almost a week already... Now, maybe it's the time to say goodbye to my second love...

22/6

It's Tuesday. It's my turn to present my tutorial. I was so nervous but I think I have got the hang of it now. I was super hyper, speaking like my chemistry teacher, Ms. Isabel. Hmm, speaking of her, I met her in the toilet today! Such a coincidence!! But anyways, I really like her teaching even though I didn't do well in the mid semester exam. I felt quite guilty because I think she really gave her heart for teaching. So, after the presentation, the whole class went to CitrusPlus to celebrate one of our classmate's birthday. I was actually hoping to sit near Mr. I and... just look at him. But, he is kinda addicted to dota, so he and his friends went to cybercafe. I wonder whether is that because he is trying to avoid being in the same space as M...

And then during bio class, I saw him laughing while talking to R, an indian classmate of mine. I never see him laughing that happy before. I felt so disappointed at myself. Why can't I make a guy that I like laugh like that?!!! I just do not know where to put my sight at. I was so frustrated but no one even noticed it. 

After that, it was physics class. Since our former Physics teacher has to go on prostate surgery, today we were introduced to a new teacher. She gave us a cd player and asked us to pass it around. When the cd player was passed to him, he put it in between us and he started explaining to me how does the laser detect the information in the cd and stuff. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn't concentrate on what the teacher was teaching. I was so happy and I wanted to shout!! But I have to keep it a secret to my classmates. I know that if I spill it out, everything will go wrong. 

But now, I can feel like something is going wrong already. You see, today during physics class, his phone vibrated. I guess it was a super urgent message that he needed to reply asap. However, he didn't have enough credit to reply. So, he asked me to send him some credit. Apparently, he thought I was a Maxis user. (M is a Maxis user). Then I started thinking. What if the two of them talk to each other again? What if I'm useless to him anymore? What if he...?? I was so confused. I know I shouldn't be so worried about him anymore but I just couldn't control my brain. If everything went back to normal, he won't talk to me like how we did these few months anymore. It's just a torture to me if everything goes normal again. I know I am super selfish, but... please don't leave me alone... Please...

Like vs. Love

I'm back, my dear pinkie blog. I have been thinking for a while, whether do I really like Mr. I or not, or am I just desperate to be in love. I guess, after my "rational" thinking, I really like him, maybe not as much as love, but I am sure that I like him. But, I won't tell him. I will never tell him. Cause I guess, to him, I am just a listener.

I "sneaked" into his blog just now, and read his online journal. Well, I read a part where he said last year there was this girl who told him that she like him, and then he started to miss this girl when he didn't see her, and she is the girl who cheered him up. I remembered that he told me about him and this girl before, and the girl kinda hurt him. Well, I do not look myself as this girl, I don't think I really cheered him up successfully before. But I do enjoy the moment talking to him. I always felt that we are sharing a secret that no one else know but only us. However, reality doesn't go that way. Apparently, it's not our secret anymore and I think I have mentioned about that in my past post. Now, another shocking fact, he shared another secret with another girl in my class, F. He told me once that he thinks F looks like an anime character (Is that suppose to be a compliment to her?) Of course, I wasn't happy when he said that, but now sharing secrets?? My jealousy really has a limit. But what can I do about it? I am not even a public friend to him.

And then I scrolled up his blog. I read his post on February. He was writing about our class and his new friends and classmates. Apparently I was not in his list even though I was just sitting beside him. I can't even make a fake smile when I read that. He  was talking about M, and other active and "not really so active but at least he knew them" members of the class. I guess he doesn't even noticed my presence that time. Hah. I don't even know what am I supposed to think. I guess if he was working well with M, he won't even talk to me at all. It's true. As a matter of fact, a few days ago, he told me that he will give up on M. And then for the upcoming days, I got silence treatment. He no longer talk to me even on msn (which was basically our usual routine for the few weeks). I told Chai Wei about this before, and she told me that maybe Mr. I was just "using" me as his 出气筒. I couldn't believe what she told me that time, but now, I guess maybe she's right. Outsiders are sometimes clearer than the insiders, right?

But I just can't give him up like that. He was just a classmate to me, but now he is... my hope. He is the only reason that I log in to my msn everyday. He is the only reason that I am so excited when I go online. Maybe deep inside my heart, I wanted him to notice my feelings, and maybe I really hope that he could say that he like me, even if it is a dream. But, since the mighty God doesn't seem to love me so much, I guess, after 6 more months, everything will end up as just a dream...

Weird Dream

I had a weird dream yesterday. In my dream, Mr. I asked me out for lunch. Of course, I said yes. Then we went to a cute restaurant nearby. We were sitting side by side and I don't know why... While we were having our lunch, suddenly a kid came to us and said something. I forgot what the kid said but I remembered that the kid was laughing at us. Weird kid. LOL. And then I teased the kid back, in a funny way. So we all laughed, and laughed, and unintentionally I hooked Mr. I's hand since he was sitting beside me. It felt so warm even though it just lasted for a few seconds. The last thing I remembered about the dream was that the weird kid said that we look like a couple and the both of us blushed. 

Well, in reality, I am very sure that this kind of dream will not come true in my life. In fact, he never asked me out nor talk to me like a friend in public. I don't know why. Sometimes, I felt like his mistress. He is only talkative and friendly to me online or while we are sms-ing. And he does talk to me occasionally in public, where there is not really many people around us.  I guess he was a bit embarrassed  to publicly approve me as his friend? =S Either way, I suppose I am in his "secret friend" zone now and as long as I am in the "secret friend" zone, we will never get any further nor backwards. I guess this is the safety zone for me right now.

Mr. I

Mr. I... He is a guy that got my attention few months ago. I never knew him as who he is now, and I do not know whether this is a good thing or not. I felt like stepping into his world, and being rejected at the same time. I really do not know how to describe this kind of feeling, but it is not good for sure.

A month ago, he started a serious conversation with me. He told me everything about him. His past, his feeling, present, everything. For that moment I really thought I'd stand a chance of winning his heart although he had a gossip girlfriend, Ms. L. He showed me some signs -- He looked disappointed when I told him I watched a movie that I have always wanted to watch, when I said I would like to get a scholarship and restart my college life, when I said I want to go for July intake, he said he would like to join me.... I know I might just being sensitive and thought too much. But for a girl who thirsts for love like me, every single sign is a hope.

Well, I was proven wrong when he first told me that his crush is exactly his gossip girlfriend, Ms. L. He told me that Ms. L was mad at him for something and he is also upset because she is not talking to him. FYI, I am not a big fan of Ms. L. She is a loud and noisy girl and she is the total opposite of me. Back to them, Ms. L has given him the silent treatment for almost a month and I am the "loyal" listener of him. He told me everything about her. All I could do was just tell him to hold on and convince him that Ms. L likes him. It is not that I have given up on him, it's just that I felt that he is really in love with Ms. L and I thought this is better for him. I would never want to break a potential relationship between the two of them because of my meaningless jealousy.

However, Ms. L does not show any sign of liking him anymore. They used to be so couple-y and lovey-dovey even when they are not officially a couple. I couldn't understand Ms. L's mind. And at that point, I could really feel that Mr. I is devastated even when he is laughing so loud. I felt sorry for him but I am not her, I couldn't do anything. And then one day, he shared all the secrets that he used to tell me to another girl, a friend of mine, Ms. Y. Suddenly, I felt that I am not his only listener anymore, I felt repelled. Although he still tells me everything about Ms. L, I just can't stop thinking that I am only one of his many listeners, and that hurts.

On his birthday, I was worried that he would be emo and sad if Ms. L didn't wish him so I wished him at 12 am and he told me that he won't be happy even if she wish him on that day. I was slightly happy. But I was wrong again, she brought pizza and wished him happy birthday. When I looked at him, he had a big fat smile on his face. He never showed me that smile before. I just couldn't look him at his face anymore and he didn't even noticed. At that moment I knew that I really don't want them to be together but as his friend, I couldn't do anything to hurt or harm his feelings. I just couldn't. I mean, I can't even be sure about my feelings to him, how can I expect him to give up his love for someone like me. Everything is just so wrong at the moment.

And now, everything remains unchanged. He is not back with her yet and I am still struggling with my feelings and studies. Everyday when I am online, he would chat with me (of course chatting about her), but I am contented. Everything just felt good when he is online and talking to me. To be frank, he is the main reason for me to go online on msn now. I am easily contented and I do not hope for more. I just hope that nothing will change anymore. And I really hope he does not see this post...