Weird Dream

I had a weird dream yesterday. In my dream, Mr. I asked me out for lunch. Of course, I said yes. Then we went to a cute restaurant nearby. We were sitting side by side and I don't know why... While we were having our lunch, suddenly a kid came to us and said something. I forgot what the kid said but I remembered that the kid was laughing at us. Weird kid. LOL. And then I teased the kid back, in a funny way. So we all laughed, and laughed, and unintentionally I hooked Mr. I's hand since he was sitting beside me. It felt so warm even though it just lasted for a few seconds. The last thing I remembered about the dream was that the weird kid said that we look like a couple and the both of us blushed. 

Well, in reality, I am very sure that this kind of dream will not come true in my life. In fact, he never asked me out nor talk to me like a friend in public. I don't know why. Sometimes, I felt like his mistress. He is only talkative and friendly to me online or while we are sms-ing. And he does talk to me occasionally in public, where there is not really many people around us.  I guess he was a bit embarrassed  to publicly approve me as his friend? =S Either way, I suppose I am in his "secret friend" zone now and as long as I am in the "secret friend" zone, we will never get any further nor backwards. I guess this is the safety zone for me right now.

Mr. I

Mr. I... He is a guy that got my attention few months ago. I never knew him as who he is now, and I do not know whether this is a good thing or not. I felt like stepping into his world, and being rejected at the same time. I really do not know how to describe this kind of feeling, but it is not good for sure.

A month ago, he started a serious conversation with me. He told me everything about him. His past, his feeling, present, everything. For that moment I really thought I'd stand a chance of winning his heart although he had a gossip girlfriend, Ms. L. He showed me some signs -- He looked disappointed when I told him I watched a movie that I have always wanted to watch, when I said I would like to get a scholarship and restart my college life, when I said I want to go for July intake, he said he would like to join me.... I know I might just being sensitive and thought too much. But for a girl who thirsts for love like me, every single sign is a hope.

Well, I was proven wrong when he first told me that his crush is exactly his gossip girlfriend, Ms. L. He told me that Ms. L was mad at him for something and he is also upset because she is not talking to him. FYI, I am not a big fan of Ms. L. She is a loud and noisy girl and she is the total opposite of me. Back to them, Ms. L has given him the silent treatment for almost a month and I am the "loyal" listener of him. He told me everything about her. All I could do was just tell him to hold on and convince him that Ms. L likes him. It is not that I have given up on him, it's just that I felt that he is really in love with Ms. L and I thought this is better for him. I would never want to break a potential relationship between the two of them because of my meaningless jealousy.

However, Ms. L does not show any sign of liking him anymore. They used to be so couple-y and lovey-dovey even when they are not officially a couple. I couldn't understand Ms. L's mind. And at that point, I could really feel that Mr. I is devastated even when he is laughing so loud. I felt sorry for him but I am not her, I couldn't do anything. And then one day, he shared all the secrets that he used to tell me to another girl, a friend of mine, Ms. Y. Suddenly, I felt that I am not his only listener anymore, I felt repelled. Although he still tells me everything about Ms. L, I just can't stop thinking that I am only one of his many listeners, and that hurts.

On his birthday, I was worried that he would be emo and sad if Ms. L didn't wish him so I wished him at 12 am and he told me that he won't be happy even if she wish him on that day. I was slightly happy. But I was wrong again, she brought pizza and wished him happy birthday. When I looked at him, he had a big fat smile on his face. He never showed me that smile before. I just couldn't look him at his face anymore and he didn't even noticed. At that moment I knew that I really don't want them to be together but as his friend, I couldn't do anything to hurt or harm his feelings. I just couldn't. I mean, I can't even be sure about my feelings to him, how can I expect him to give up his love for someone like me. Everything is just so wrong at the moment.

And now, everything remains unchanged. He is not back with her yet and I am still struggling with my feelings and studies. Everyday when I am online, he would chat with me (of course chatting about her), but I am contented. Everything just felt good when he is online and talking to me. To be frank, he is the main reason for me to go online on msn now. I am easily contented and I do not hope for more. I just hope that nothing will change anymore. And I really hope he does not see this post...